The Fathering Years Are Crazy: Embrace the Crazy

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

The child-raising years are almost always the years that parents are building their careers, dealing with financial pressures, learning to cope with having children and negotiating what tends to be the busiest times of life. These are normally years of stress. However, they can also be years of experiencing the richest emotions of love, joy, laughter and gratitude you might ever have; as well as moments of stark growth in who you are as a man.

Believe it or not, many dads my age would love to have those years back— yes, the busiest, most stressful years we would take back in a heartbeat. As we look back, we see that those times were the highest-impact years with our kids that included some of the richest experiences of life ever. In the midst of the craziness, with all the ups and downs, life was fun and fulfilling. Even though I did not fully grasp or appreciate it at the time, my realization now is that those years were some of life at its best. They were years of presence with my kids. They were also years that I developed traits that I needed for life and maturity. In reality, it was the craziness of that period that made it so worthwhile.

So now, my advice to you is twofold:

1. Ponder the Crazy: Don’t Have The Experience And Miss The Meaning

You’ve heard it said many times by dads in Q4, the years pass so quickly; enjoy them. So, embrace the craziness and transcend it with personal moments to stop and ponder the blessings of your life, hold your kids closely, laugh with them, and thank God for the gift of being of father. There will be a day when you’re not busy or stressed, when the house will not be so much work, and when the sounds of your kid’s presence in the home will not be there. Soak in these years deeply while you can. Breath. Look around. See the beauty and good in “crazy”... and thank God for the opportunity to have it while you can.

2. Grow Through the Crazy: Embrace this Time to Become a Better Man

Over a span of my 30 years with my children, I would experience an assortment of joy, pain, laughter, frustration, pride, elation, disillusionment and countless other emotions.

For me, fatherhood, in its entirety, became a conduit through which I confronted the pain of my past and led me to learn much about myself. Inherently, fatherhood contained a challenge for me to grow. I was called not just to do some things differently, but become someone different in character. Parenthood would develop me in the true nature of love, patience, perseverance, discipline, and leadership. This job would stretch me and grow me beyond ever predictable. Without knowing it, this was the unwritten contract I had signed.

Dad, your journey will look different than mine; tailor made for you, but cooperate with it or not, you will be called upon to change... and that’s a really good thing. Being a father, if you are willing, will make you a better man.

TRUTH: Our children aren't just recipients of change; they are catalysts for our own transformation.

Many models of parenting focus more on how kids develop, not how parents should. The idea behind them is that the act of parenting is rather static and as long as you understand what’s going on with your kids, that’s enough. The Father-Friend model calls fathers to modify their behavior over time. It’s a call to change and grow. The model represents modes of fathering for you to embrace, not molds into which to push your children. The focus is on your response to and prompting of your children and you are to give attention first to your own actions.

If you plan to stay the same person after becoming a dad that you were before becoming one, you’ll be ineffective and unhappy as a father. Therefore, as children grow, so should fathers. Fatherhood is not just about what you do for your children. It’s about what the journey does for you. The father-friend process makes us better men and it does so through the challenges of fatherhood. To the degree you cooperate with that growth rather than fight against it is the degree that your fathering journey will be joyful and successful.

How Can You Grow as a Dad?
Researches tell us that people experience positive change when three dynamics are present:

1. Assessment: people change when they speak the truth to themselves.
Father-Friends assess where they are and speak the truth to themselves about themselves in the need for growth.

2. Challenge: people change with challenging situations, not comfortable ones.
We’ve already mentioned this, but let me reiterate that challenges are mirrors used to show us areas of needed growth. They shine light upon our motivations, our level of inner security, and the degree of integrity we have or do not possess. They highlight competencies that we may lack as a parent. A life of comfort, free from conflict and challenges, rarely teaches us anything of value. If you looked back over your life, you’d likely find the times when you grew the deepest were in times of pain. This type of learning goes beyond what can be taught in a classroom or told to you by someone else. As the old preacher said, we don’t change when we see the light; we change when we feel the heat.

So, if the goal of your life and fathering is challenge-avoidance, then you will never become your child’s true father-friend. Embrace difficulties in life and the problems you will face in relationship in your children with a mindset to grow and learn. If you allow it to occur, your children will teach you a lot about yourself.

Father-Friends accept challenges and hardships and seek to walk through (not avoid them). Father-Friends know that challenges speak volumes to us in regards to the strength of our character, or lack thereof. They offer a means by which display character to our kids.

3. Support: people change when they have others who affirm and encourage them during the struggle of change.
Studies show that change is more lasting when there are people surrounding us and supporting us in the struggle of that change. In other words, the most potent, more lasting transformations do not occur in isolation. They occur in community. I hope as you grow you will also develop authentic relationships with other fathers who can encourage you and who need your encouragement. Where can you find these relationships? Father-Friend was actually created to help fill this void and provide a resource for community to dads who are on the fathering journey. Father-Friends develop community to find strength and encouragement to endure and grow in the fatherhood journey.

In conclusion, now all of my children are young adults (two boys and a girl between the ages of 25-to-31). I walked with them through sleepless nights, diapers, t-ball, boy scouts, dance, friendships, sleepovers, periods of sickness, trips to the ER, acne, braces, cheerleading, church attendance, basketball, their know-it-all teen years, dating, breaking up, choosing a college and marriage. Over the years, I've felt euphoric moments of pride and achievement with my kids, and cried with them through tear-filled experiences of pain and disappointment. What a beautiful, chaotic, and immensely rewarding adventure!