The Father Friend Model: Structuring Our Vision as Dads

by Mike Ayers. Ph.D.

The Father Friend Model^© is based upon my doctoral research, counseling and teaching parents across two decades, and 30 years of experience as a father. It represents all that our Father Friend resource is built upon, and provides a structure to the vision and purpose for which we believe all dads should aspire.

Here are some things to note about the Father-Friend Model:

1. It represents about a 21-year process.

• Don’t let that overwhelm you. Yes it’s long, but it passes quickly.
• Do you continue to be a father-friend after age 21? Of course. The model represents your highest-impact years with your children, not your only-impact years with them.
• The 21-year time frame reflects my belief that fathers should continue to engage in father-friend leadership of their children until kids are completely out from under their parent’s financial responsibility (see Q4).
• If you’re starting this book with children in the middle or late phases, that’s OK. Jump in at the phase that matches the age of your child. Reach back or reach ahead as appropriate. Jump on the train and begin to parent with purpose. It’s not too late.

2. There are four phases of fathering.
I’ve represented them in terms of quadrants. It’s important that you move through each quadrant (phase) in progression without jumping ahead too soon— even if your child is advancing quickly. In other words, let your child be a child (Q1), let your kid be a kid (Q2), let your teen be a teen (Q3) and let your young-adult be a young-adult (Q4). You’ll understand that more as we go along.

3. The model primarily describes the phases of development for fathers.
Many models of parenting focus more on how kids develop, not how parents should. The idea behind them is that the act of parenting is rather static and as long as you understand what’s going on with your kids, that’s enough. The Father-Friend model calls fathers to modify their behavior over time. It’s a call to change and grow. So dad, the quadrants represented are modes of fathering for you to embrace and not molds into which to push your children. The focus is on your response to and prompting of your children and you are to give attention first to your own actions.

4. Within each quadrant there is a range of years.
The set of practices listed in each phase are goals for you to reach by the end of each time frame. There will be periods of transition and you will likely continue to practice at least some behaviors from a previous quadrant at the beginning of the new one. That means the frequency and potency of your designated behaviors for a particular quadrant increase as you go along and will likely crescendo at just about the time you finish that particular phase. How do you know when to move to the next phase? When you’ve mastered the beliefs and behaviors of a quadrant and your child has responded in kind by consistently allowing you to take the role of leader in Q1, coach in Q2, mentor in Q3, and friend in Q4. Make them your goals by the end of the 5-6 year period in each quadrant, not necessarily behaviors you must have at the beginning. If these goals are not reached by the end of each time period, keep going as is. Moving forward too quickly is less desirable than lagging behind.

5. The model is not as linear as the graph suggests.
Father-Friend is science and art. It’s a framework for fathering; not a rigid code of conduct. Think of it as a compass, not a detailed set of assembly instructions like you get with Ikea furniture. You will have to wing it at times and create some answers on your own. You will borrow from other quadrants by reaching back to behaviors you’ll need to repeat, or reaching forward for others at particular moments. Let the model guide you, not rule you.

6. Though the model is a process for fathers, it implies a process for your children.
The ultimate aim of the model is to be your child’s father-friend. For your child, the ultimate goal is his or her self-efficacy. In psychology, this term refers to an individual’s deep-seated belief that he or she possesses within them the capacity to meet challenges and accomplish tasks that are before them. Basically, it means we possess the belief that we are enough. It denotes children moving into adulthood with a strong sense of self who have the inner security to believe that they are adequate for all of life. The Father-Friend process then moves children from dependence upon us (Q1), to interdependence with us (Q2 & Q3), to independence from us (Q4). It moves them from trusting us to us trusting them. What a gift we give to the world with children who are ready to face it!

7. Work the plan.
It’s no secret that a child’s emotional/psychological development is highly impacted by what parents do or not do. As a father, you will help or hinder the healthy development of your children by your fathering approach toward them. If you don’t embrace the actions and attitudes for fathering as outlined in each quadrant, you may stifle your child’s natural development or cause them to prematurely move ahead in a way that is unhealthy.

8. You’re running a marathon, not a sprint.
There will be many ups and downs. You will mess up. At times, your kids won’t respond as hoped. At times, the process will be two steps forward and one step back. You’ll feel stuck at certain phases. There may be moments when “the wheels fall off” and you have a crisis. You may feel as though this Father-Friend stuff is failing or that you’re a failure at it. Don’t give up! Be patient. Get over your mistakes and those of your kids. Play the long game. Stay committed!

Also, become content with not being everything as a father-friend to your children all at once or even experiencing it in each phase. Your goal is by the end of Phase 4 you will be your child’s father-friend. This may or may not be witnessed in earlier years. That’s OK. There may be glimpses of it along the way, but likely will not be fulfilled until even after they’re 21 years old. You’re playing the long game. You’re setting the stage and paving the way for this to take place in time. Focus on being faithful to the actions and attitudes of the father-friend, and allow results to play out. Focus on you, not outcomes. Be and do right and right things will come. The last thing to grow on a tree is the fruit.

QUADRANTS

Quadrant 1
Fathers with children in their youngest years (ages 0 – 6). According to our model the primary focus in Quadrant 1 is for dad to establish leadership of his kids, i.e. the role of a LEADER. This involves key behaviors of directing, setting boundaries, establishing routines, teaching, building trust through consistency, and discipline.

Quadrant 2
Fathers with children in elementary and preteen years (ages 7-12). According to our model, the primary focus in Quadrant 2 is for dad to equip his kids, i.e. the role of a COACH. This is the phase where children develop confidence and competence. This involves key behaviors of coaching, teaching life skills, setting goals, giving responsibility and empowerment, affirmation, training, building trust through your consistent presence and engagement.

Quadrant 3
Fathers with children in their teen and adolescent years (ages 13-21). According to our model, the primary focus in Quadrant 3 is for dad to encourage his kids, i.e. taking the role of a MENTOR. This is the phase where children desire independence and normal emotional distancing from parents occurs. Peers not parents become most important to your child. This can be a challenging phase as dads learn to tell and direct less, and guide more. However, this does not mean withdrawing from the life of your child. Handled correctly, this can be one of the most rewarding times as a father when you see your children move into young adulthood— your hard work is paying off! This quadrant involves key behaviors of listening, praising, affirming, setting boundaries (suitable for teens), giving responsibility and empowerment, training them to earn trust, providing opportunities that prepare for adult life, building your trust with them through a consistent, non-anxious presence and "being there". Return to discipline

Quadrant 4
Fathers with children in young adult- adult years (ages 21+). According to our model, the primary focus in Quadrant 4 is for dad to encourage his children, i.e. fulfilling the role of a Father-Friend. This is the phase where you have done your work, and the goal now is to be a supporter of your child. This quadrant involves key behaviors of listening, affirming, setting supporting, empowering, trusting and refraining from telling and directing. When called upon, dad can be there for advice and comfort.