Emotions: Signals Worth Listening To

by Amy Ayers, LPC

Have you ever been frustrated in traffic, honked your horn at another car, and then later when reflecting upon it, felt guilty and said to yourself, “I need to have more patience”? This is an example of the difference between emotions and feelings, and for a thinking, self-aware dad, this is an important distinction to understand.

Despite people using the words interchangeably, emotions and feelings are not the same thing. Emotions are actual sensations in the body (e.g., frustration in traffic); feelings are one’s thoughts about and interpretations of these emotions that are unique to them (guilt and “I need to have more patience”).

When we experience something that is significant, emotions are organically generated, creating actual, physical energy within our bodies. Sometimes your emotions are intense, like being knocked over by a tidal wave, tossing you under the water. Other times, emotions can resemble a tranquil and serene tide, exhibiting a sense of peace and manageability. Developing emotional awareness can help prevent reactivity and false beliefs, and lead to the healthy expression of feelings.

Emotions are meant to be sensed and experienced, and feelings are meant to be expressed in action. When we experience a sensation of sadness, possibly the result of a loss or disappointment, we feel sad and may cry. After the initial, organic response we may choose either feelings of hope or despair. The choice is ours. An emotion of risk or threat, may create feelings of fear that mobilize us to fight or flee from perceived danger. A positive experience may create a positive emotion of happiness and love which may in turn lead to choose a feeling of happiness causing us to smile, laugh, dance or sing. Alternatively, we may choose to push down the emotion of happiness and instead feel doubt and skepticism. Our emotions and resulting feelings can be manipulated by our past experiences and the stories we tell ourselves.

Emotions are what make us human and our ability to interpret and express them separate us from all other species on the planet. So what happens when we experience something significant yet resist expressing the feelings that naturally emerge?

Listening to our bodily emotions, informed by our sense perception, helps us connect to the reality of our present experience rather than to stories made of potentially inaccurate beliefs. From our truth, we can make decisions that are right for us.

Psychologist Ron Siegel, PsyD, descriptively states, “When we bury feelings, we bury them alive. We wind up living with a heart and mind that are filled with land mines easily triggered when we go through the world.” Imagine standing in a pool of water, holding a large beach ball above the waterline. The ball represents your emotions. When you choose to not actively express what you’re feeling, it’s as if you’re taking that beach ball and shoving it under the water. The more you resist feeling your emotions, the more persistent these emotions become, growing in strength. You can hold this beach ball under for a little while, but over time, the more emotions you resist expressing, the deeper you try to push the ball down, the more difficult it becomes to keep it under the water’s surface. Suddenly, you lose your grip and the beach ball comes shooting out of the water. This is illustrative of the power of emotion and the result of suppressing what organically demands expression.

We cannot hold ourselves responsible for our emotions (the natural experience), we bear full responsibility for our feelings (our reactions) and the way we opt to articulate them (our actions). Our reactions to emotions, encompassing both feelings and actions, have the power to cultivate deep, intimate connections to loved ones; they also have the power to destroy these same relationships.

As the father of your child, the manner in which you convey your emotions significantly influences your child's emotional development. Given that children lack the ability to responsibly express and regulate their emotions, they rely entirely on you for guidance. If your responses to irritation or anger involve reactive behavior, your child not only observes but is also compelled to assist you in navigating through emotional challenges, all while lacking a healthy model for expressing and addressing their own internal experiences. Inability to manage your emotions means you are unable to aid your child in managing theirs. If you find yourself regretting your reactions later, the responsibility lies in your hands to regulate your emotions rather than expecting your child to shoulder that burden.

While positive emotions are easier to express and receive, negative emotions can be challenging to navigate. Unfortunately, we can’t choose to feel all the positive emotions and none of the negative ones. Our internal “switch” is not a dial, ranging from negative to positive; it’s a simple “on-off” switch. To resist the negative emotions, is to shut down the positive ones. What good is living a life if you’re not feeling and experiencing it to its fullest, with all its ups and downs? Emotions allow you to fully access life - all the love, pain, sorrows, and joy. To resist feeling your emotions, is to significantly limit your life.

As the adult, it’s your responsibility to allow your emotions to serve as signals to inform you, instead of controlling your behaviors. Imagine driving in a car. YOU want to be the driver with your emotions occupying either the passenger seat or riding in the back. Emotions certainly don’t belong in the trunk, but given a significant seat to your life. If your emotions are not regulated and in check, you’re essentially giving your emotions the keys to your car. With your emotions in the driver’s seat, you’re choosing a world that is navigated with the emotional mind of a child, instead of the rational, emotionally regulated mind of an adult.