Developing Confidence and Courage in Your Sons

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

I am so proud of the men my two sons have become. They are kind, confident, hard-working, and intelligent. They are husbands who love, lead and sacrifice for their wives. My oldest son is a devoted father (my younger son has no children yet). They also love the Lord, spiritually lead their families, and serve in their local church.

When it comes to characterizing manhood, there are many noble traits that dads want to see in their sons. I just mentioned a few. But, there are two qualities that set male leadership apart and that serve men and their families well for the rest of their lives: confidence and courage. Of course, these are important traits for girls and woman to develop too, but in particular, men-husbands-fathers with confidence and courage are desperately needed in our world.

Here are a few principles for fathers on how to raise confident and courageous sons:

1. Lead by Example: This is always in the list isn’t it? As fathers, we are our sons' first role models. They observe and absorb our behaviors, attitudes, and reactions. By demonstrating confidence in our actions and decisions, and facing challenges with courage, we set a powerful example for our sons to emulate. Show them that setbacks are opportunities for growth, and failures are stepping stones toward success.

2. Encourage Self-Expression: Create a safe and supportive environment where your son feels free to express himself without fear of judgment. Instill in him a security to be who he is— not a copy of you or anyone else. God made him uniquely and your job as a dad is not to push him into a mold, but to discover the amazing person he is and provide opportunities for him to express himself in the world. Listen actively to his thoughts, ideas, and concerns, and validate them. Encouraging open communication fosters self-confidence by letting him know that his voice matters.

3. Teach Resilience: Life is full of ups and downs, and teaching our sons how to bounce back from setbacks is crucial for building resilience. Encourage them to embrace challenges rather than shy away from them. They will fail. Be OK with that and show them that failure is not final. Help them develop the mental toughness to get over mistakes quickly and put them in the past. Help them develop courage by giving space for them to try. They should not fear failure, but fear not trying. Show them the ways to learn from failures, teaching them that setbacks are temporary obstacles on the path to success.

4. Foster Independence: Empower your son to make decisions and take responsibility for his actions from a young age. Encourage him to pursue his interest and passions independently, even if it means facing uncertainty or stepping out of his comfort zone. Building independence instills a sense of self-reliance and confidence in one's abilities. Give him room to solve his own problems and celebrate solutions that work.

5. Provide Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and celebrate your son's achievements, no matter how small. There’s an important balance here: celebrate his successes without patronizing him and without focusing only on achievements. Positive reinforcement in both the efforts, failures and accomplishments boosts worth and encourages him to continue striving for excellence. Offer specific praise that highlights his efforts and strengths, rather than focusing solely on outcomes. Confidence comes through repeating tasks that eventually achieve mastery— trial and error; success and failure. Lead your son to not give up because over time, through discipline and work, skills come... and the by-product is confidence. This means learning the values of discipline and work.

6. Cultivate Empathy and Compassion: True courage is not just about facing challenges but also about service and compassion towards others. There is also the courage of character. It takes courage to be kind; to be honest; to endure with patience and to discipline oneself. It takes courage to give rather than receive and to lead through sacrifice. Insecure people can't serve others; secure people can. Our brave military servicemen and women can tell us this. Teach your son the importance of kindness, empathy, and fighting for what is right. Teach them to stand up for those who are defenseless and innocent. To be strong without being a bully. Encourage him to have the courage to consider different perspectives and to treat others with respect and understanding.

7. Embrace Vulnerability: Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability and authenticity are not signs of weakness but rather a display of strength. Encourage your son to embrace his vulnerability and to express his emotions with safe and trusted people. Show him that it's okay to ask for help when needed and that seeking support is a sign of courage, not weakness.

8. Foster Healthy Risk-Taking: Encourage your son to step out of his comfort zone and explore new opportunities, even if they come with a degree of risk. Whether it's trying out for a sports team, participating in a school play, or pursuing a challenging academic goal, support him in taking risks that promote personal growth and development. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of it. On the other side of risk is reward and the fears we don’t face become our limitations.

9. Be Present and Supportive: Finally, the most valuable gift you can give your son is your unconditional love, support, and presence. Be actively involved in his life, attend his events, and participate in activities together. Go on adventures together. By your love and presence you will show him what a true man is. Make sure he knows that you believe in him and that you'll always be there to support him, no matter what challenges he may face. When he gets older, may he say about his father, “My dad always believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.”

Together, let's raise a generation of young men who are not only successful but also compassionate, confident, and courageous individuals.