Courageous Conversations: Talking to Your Teenage Son About Sex

Let’s clarify right from the start: this conversation is not the same one you’d have with your 4- to 6-year-old. That earlier talk is about body parts, privacy, and boundaries. And yes—we’ll cover that in another podcast and blog post. But this one is different. This is for dads with teenage sons—young men standing on the edge of independence, culture, and curiosity. And they need more than anatomy—they need a vision. A compass. A conversation that points them toward honor, truth, and purpose.

As a father, few conversations feel weightier—or more uncomfortable—than the one about sex. And yet, few are more important. Because in a world that treats sex like a commodity, this conversation is your chance to speak into your son's identity, values, and future.

We live in a culture that distorts the message of sex—where instant gratification is celebrated and self-control is dismissed as unrealistic. Where sex is presented as a casual exchange, stripped of meaning, and often divorced from the emotional, relational, and spiritual realities it was created to express. That's why this conversation matters so much. It's not just about biology—it's about legacy.

This is part of our Courageous Conversations series—those hard but holy talks that dads are uniquely positioned to lead. They won’t all be perfect. They may feel awkward. But your presence in the moment will echo long after the moment is gone.

Why Dads Avoid This Talk (and Why You Shouldn’t)

Let’s be real: most of us weren’t exactly trained for this. If you grew up in silence or shame around the topic of sex, it makes sense you’d feel unprepared. Maybe your own story includes failure, struggle, or regret. You might think, “Who am I to speak?” But here's the truth: your past doesn’t disqualify your voice. In fact, it might give you more credibility—if you lead with humility.

Or maybe you just feel awkward. That’s okay too. Courage isn’t the absence of awkwardness—it’s the decision to show up anyway.

Some dads hold back because of the “boys will be boys” mentality. The idea that hormones are too strong, and purity is too idealistic. But that mindset sells your son short. He isn’t a prisoner of his urges. He’s capable of self-control, of conviction, and of pursuing something better. Your job isn’t to excuse behavior—it’s to cast vision.

Speak to your son’s higher identity. Call out the man in him. He doesn’t need a lecture—he needs a model. He needs to know you believe he’s capable of restraint, respect, and purpose.

Sex Is a Gift, Not a Curse

One of the most important truths you can share with your son is that sex is good. It’s not dirty. It’s not shameful. It’s not something to be feared or avoided. It’s something to be honored.

Sex is a gift from God—designed for the covenant of marriage. It’s the physical expression of a deeper reality: trust, unity, and lifelong commitment. It’s more than just a physical act; it’s a merging of souls, a spiritual and emotional bond meant to deepen intimacy between husband and wife.

That’s why God puts such strong boundaries around it. Not because He wants to rob us of pleasure, but because He wants to protect its power. Boundaries don’t mean repression—they mean respect.

Tell your son: Waiting is not punishment. It's preparation.

Waiting to have sex is one of the most radical, countercultural things your son can do. And it's one of the most meaningful gifts he can give his future wife. To say, “I saved this for you”—that's powerful. It’s a courageous, love-fueled act of honoring someone he hasn’t even met yet. Tell him, “You are showing strength by choosing what’s uncommon, what’s selfless, what’s sacred.”

After I had the sex conversation with my sons, I asked if they wanted to make that commitment. They did. Was it awkward? Sure. We all felt it. But it was good. Meaningful. A little messy, but memorable. I gave each of them a ring—a quiet symbol they could keep close, and they did. Sometimes they wore it around their neck. Sometimes they hung it by their bed. It marked a moment. It created a memory. And it mattered.

Yes, We’re Going There: What About Masturbation?

It’s awkward, but we need to go there. Because your son has questions—even if he never voices them.

First, affirm that what he’s feeling is normal. He’s not broken. He’s not perverted. He’s growing up.

Then challenge him—gently. Masturbation may be common, but that doesn’t make it harmless. It can become a coping mechanism for stress, loneliness, or boredom. Unchecked, it can fuel shame, secrecy, or even addiction.

Self-control is the goal—not guilt. Not silence. Not legalism. But honest, grace-filled accountability.

Remind him: You’re not alone in this. And you’re not defined by your urges.

Yes, You Need to Talk About the Act Itself

As uncomfortable as it may be, part of your responsibility as a dad is to help your son understand the mechanics of sex. The talk isn’t complete without clarity. Don’t assume he knows what intercourse is. Ask him.

Ask: “Do you know what intercourse is?” or “Do you know how it actually works?” Give him the chance to say yes or no. And if he doesn’t, explain it to him—in a clean, clear, and calm way.

This doesn’t have to be graphic or weird. It just needs to be honest. Explain what happens physically between a man and a woman in the context of sex. Use appropriate words. Keep it simple. Tell him this act is designed not just for physical pleasure, but to bond two people together for life. And tell him why God designed it to take place only in marriage—because that’s where love is committed, secure, and sacred.

This part of the conversation might feel strange, but it will give your son the gift of clarity. You’re not just talking about purity. You’re teaching him the truth.

When He Stumbles

He might mess up. He might not tell you. But he’ll remember how you responded.

Your job isn’t to monitor his every move—you’re not the purity patrol. But you are the protector of his future. You’re there to cast vision, offer truth, and extend grace.

If he’s giving effort and stumbles, that’s when grace matters most. Pick him up. Remind him who he is. Celebrate progress, not perfection. Let him know he’s loved even when he falls.

But if he’s resistant, dismissive, or mocking the values you’re trying to instill—that’s different. That’s when truth needs to show up with boundaries. Grace doesn’t mean passivity. It means compassion with clarity. Love doesn’t mean permissiveness—it means leading with both heart and backbone.

He needs to know that your love is unwavering—but also that your standards matter. Because his future matters.

Emotional Memory: What Will He Remember?

Your son won’t remember everything you said. But he will remember how you made him feel. That’s what we call an emotional memory. It’s the tone, the posture, the presence that leaves a lasting impression.

That’s why we say: presence is greater than perfection. Don’t wait for the perfect words or moment. Show up. Be willing. Be kind. Courageous conversations aren’t about getting it right—they’re about staying connected.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need a seminary degree or a flawless past. You just need a heart that loves your son more than your comfort. This isn’t about lectures—it’s about legacy.

So lean in. Speak truth. Lead with grace. Trust that God will use your voice, imperfect as it is, to guide your son toward something better.

He won’t remember every word. But he’ll remember you showed up. And that’s what changes everything.

Sources:

¹ Finer, L.B. (2007). Trends in Premarital Sex in the United States, 1954–2003. Public Health Reports. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1829368/

² National Marriage Project. (2020). "Teens and Abstinence Commitments." University of Virginia.