6 Mistakes Fathers Make When Apologizing to Their Kids

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

There were times when I really blew it as a dad- lost my temper, hurt my kid’s feelings, did not listen to their perspective, etc. I learned early on that I needed to apologize to my children when I messed up and ask their forgiveness when I hurt them.

For example, I remember being particularly harsh to my son after one of his basketball games in high school. I was frustrated at a couple of mental errors he made and got onto him after the game. I went too far and I could see that I hurt him with my words. I realized that what I said triggered an insecurity in him. I deeply regret that moment and feel ashamed even now as I write this blog. Once things settled down and I grasped what I had done, I went into his bedroom, told him I was sorry for my words and asked him to forgive me. Thankfully, he did. We then had a conversation where I admitted that I make mistakes as a dad and how I need to work on being better. I committed to support him more and give feedback in constructive ways.

It’s not easy for us dads to do that. Our egos get in the way. Our authority and the degree we want to be seen as competent before our children hinders us from making sincere apologies. It takes humility to be sincere in apologizing, but its vitally important in the health of your relationship to seek restoration. Doing so also provides an example for them follow on the importance of repairing relationships.

Unfortunately, fathers often make mistakes that can undermine the effectiveness of their apologies, leaving their children feeling unheard or invalidated. Here are six common ways fathers can ruin an apology to their kids:

1. Lack of Genuine Remorse: One of the most significant mistakes fathers make when apologizing to their children is failing to convey genuine remorse. Simply saying, "I'm sorry," without showing any indication of regret for their actions can come across as insincere. Children are perceptive and can often tell when an apology is not heartfelt. It's essential for fathers to express genuine remorse for any harm caused and to acknowledge the impact of their actions on their children.
2. Justifying Behavior: Another common mistake fathers make is justifying their behavior instead of taking full responsibility for their actions. Saying things like, "I only did it because I was stressed," or "You made me angry, so I reacted," shifts the blame onto external factors or the child themselves. 
3. Minimizing the Impact: Downplaying the impact of your actions is another pitfall that fathers often fall into when apologizing to their children. Saying things like, "It wasn't a big deal," or "You're overreacting," diminishes the validity of the child's feelings and fails to acknowledge the harm caused. It's essential for fathers to validate their children's emotions and to recognize the impact of their actions, no matter how small they may seem.
4. Using Conditional Apologies: Conditional apologies, such as "I'm sorry if you were upset," or "I apologize, but..." undermine the sincerity of the apology. These types of apologies place conditions on the other person's feelings and can make your child feel like their hurt is not valid. Fathers should offer unconditional apologies, taking full responsibility for their actions and acknowledging the hurt they caused, without making excuses or placing conditions on the child's response.
5. Not Listening to Their Perspective: Failing to listen to your child's perspective is another common mistake we make when apologizing. Instead of truly understanding how your actions affected your child, some fathers may dismiss or invalidate their feelings leading to further resentment… “Well, you shouldn’t feel that way,” or “You need to be tougher”. It's crucial for you to actively listen to your child's perspective... seek first to understand, then be understood. Be curious and ask questions about the impact of your action. This, while at the same time, not enabling your kids to play the role of a constant victim which may lead to a sense of entitlement. It’s an art, but one that you must master.
6. Not Following Through with Change: Perhaps the most significant mistake fathers can make when apologizing to their children is not following through with change. Apologies are only meaningful if they are accompanied by a genuine effort to change wrong behavior. Continuously apologizing for the same mistakes without making any effort to improve can erode trust and credibility over time.

One more point, in our home we practiced not only apologizing, but also asking forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness goes beyond a mere apology because it acknowledges the hurt or harm caused and actively seeks reconciliation. At the end of the reconciliation, we would often pray together and I would ask God to forgive me for my wrongdoing and for strength to do better.

Here are several reasons why asking for forgiveness is important:

1. Acknowledgment of Responsibility: When you ask for forgiveness, you're explicitly admitting that you've done something wrong. This acknowledgment of responsibility is a crucial step in the healing process, not just for your child, but for you.
2. Demonstration of Empathy: Asking for forgiveness demonstrates empathy and compassion toward your child. It shows that you understand the impact of your actions on them and genuinely care about their feelings and well-being.
3. Initiation of Reconciliation: By asking for forgiveness, you're taking the initiative to repair the relationship and move forward. It opens the door for dialogue and restoration, allowing both you and your child to express thoughts and feelings and work toward resolving any deeper, ongoing conflicts or misunderstandings.
4. Expression of Humility: Asking for forgiveness requires humility and vulnerability. It involves putting aside your ego and admitting that you're not perfect. This humility can foster deeper connections with your kids and respect toward you as a dad.
5. Promotion of Accountability: Asking for forgiveness reinforces the idea of accountability, and that you as a father, even as one in authority over them, has no right to act as you please or say whatever you want. It displays that you are willing to hold yourself accountable, that you're willing to take responsibility for your actions and the consequences that resulted from them. This self-accountability is essential for building trust and is deeply valuable for your kids to learn for themselves.
6. Closure and Healing: Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for closure and healing. By asking for forgiveness, you're seeking closure on the matter and signaling your desire to move forward in a positive direction. This can help your kids let go of lingering negative emotions and resentment, leading to greater emotional well-being for you and them.