5 Ways to Give Yourself Grace as a Dad

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

I recently heard this syllogism:
Humans make mistakes
I am a human
Therefore, I will make mistakes

It sounds overly-simple and maybe even like an excuse, but I wonder how many of us men struggle with perfectionism, overcoming regret when we blow it, and admitting that we’re only human? Dads are big in kids eyes (and rightly so). Their perception of dad allows us to impact them in significant ways. It’s a wonderful stewardship and responsibility. However, this reality may also feed our ego to the point that we leave no room for human error and grace. When that happens, we set perfectionistic standards and may even have a hard time admitting mistakes. It’s not entirely healthy for kids to view their dads as superhuman- or better said, it’s not healthy for us dads to believe that we’re beyond real human needs, making mistakes and the need for grace.

Here’s the truth: It’s OK to feel less than perfect sometimes. When we fall short, it's important to take responsibility, acknowledge our mistakes, and strive to do better. If you’ve ever thought, “I feel like a failure as a parent,” here are five ways to give yourself grace and acknowledge your humanity.

1. We’re All Learning and Growing
First, no one is a perfect dad. I certainly am not. Fatherhood is a continual journey of learning and growth. Making mistakes is normal because that’s how we gain wisdom. Each day offers a new chance to be a better man and father. A dad who misses a soccer game due to work isn’t a failure; he’s balancing multiple responsibilities and that’s tough to do sometimes. His authentic commitment and discipline is to not miss again. So, when you stumble, remember it’s just a detour on your path to becoming a better dad. Understanding this prevents overwhelming feelings of shame and inadequacy. And if you’ve made a major blunder in life, seek forgiveness from God and others (including your family), then find the strength to pick up the pieces and move forward with the conviction that failure is not final.

2. Feelings Aren’t Facts
While our emotions are valid and significant, they do not always represent objective reality. As I like to say, “Feelings are tricky (not always accurate) and sticky (they tend to linger and wreak havoc)”. The feelings of sadness and frustration after a mistake, leading to the thought "I’m a terrible father," is an assumption that should be challenged. Objectively, is this true? Are all your actions as father bad? Are even most of your actions as a father bad? The likely answer is no. Is it more true that you made a mistake or had a bad day just like any other human on the planet? Probably.

All emotions are based upon thoughts. Our thoughts may be accurate and rational, or distorted and untrue. Your thoughts create your emotions and since your thoughts may be distorted ( “I’m a terrible dad”), your emotions cannot prove that your thoughts are accurate. In other words, just because you feel it may not mean it’s true. Many people believe that emotions reflect a kind of self-evident truth. Unpleasant feelings merely indicate that you are thinking something negative and believing it. Consequently, it’s very important to analyze the thoughts behind your emotions and challenge their assumptions.

Here's my point: self-condemnation leads to apathy that does you and your children no benefit. A feeling of guilt (“I did bad”) allows us to admit a mistake and correct it. A feeling of shame (“I am bad”) embeds a distorted thought in our minds that creates no future for improvement and no power for happiness. So, we end up fulfilling these self-defeating prophecies even more. The key is to validate the emotion (it’s there for a reason), admit that as a human you will make mistakes, provide rationality to the possibly-distorted thought behind the emotion, and move forward in contentment to learn from your misstep. The goal is not to dismiss feelings and ignore mistakes. Instead, the goal is to avoid painful emotions based upon mental distortions, because they are neither valid nor desirable.

3. Avoid Comparisons
One of the fastest ways to feel like a failure as a father is by comparing yourself to others. This is especially true when it comes to comparisons of material wealth or achievement. Men often fall prey to this mental trap. Give your kids the greatest gift of all- you; your health, authenticity and presence. They don’t need things. They need you. Focus on your journey and what’s best for your family. Comparisons only bring unnecessary stress and self-doubt.

4. Transparency Is Powerful
Sometimes, it’s tempting to act like everything is perfect. But it’s OK to be open and honest about your struggles. Sharing your challenges with your wife, friends, or a support group can be incredibly therapeutic. Also, admitting your mistakes and humanity to your kids, as well as offering them sincere apologies, is important. This not only helps you navigate the ups and downs of fatherhood but also strengthens your relationships and teaches your children the value of vulnerability and communication. The idea of a superhero dad who never fails or struggles sets an unattainable standard. Real dads juggle responsibilities and face challenges. This is why we established Father-Friend! We provide community for dads to admit struggles, find wisdom and encourage one another.

5. Encouraging Self Care
Your mental, spiritual and emotional well-being significantly impacts your ability to be a great dad. Don’t neglect self-care. The superhero myth can lead to burnout by ignoring the need for rest. Just like anyone else, dads need downtime to recharge. Taking time for yourself, whether through exercise, worship, meditation, prayer, recreational hobbies, or simply relaxing, is crucial. A rested and fulfilled mind is better equipped to handle the challenges of fatherhood. If you’re dealing with stress or anxiety, seeking coaching and professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Accepting your humanity allows you to learn from your mistakes and grow, rather than stay stuck in them. It shifts the focus from needing to be perfect to striving to be better. Fathers experience a full range of emotions, including stress, sadness, joy, and frustration. They also have real human needs, and at times, they make mistakes. By understanding that dads are human too, we can cultivate a healthier, more grace-giving view of fatherhood that allows for growth, self-empathy, and more realistic expectations for us as men.